If you have spent any amount of time attending church, it’s likely that you have encountered a church bully. It is even more likely that you have come across church bullies if you have been involved with church leadership. Of course, bullies are everywhere in the world, and are not limited to churches. Bullying is hot button issue these days, and bullying is something many people are trying to draw attention to so that it can be eliminated. Yet still, bullying can be hard to identify. It isn’t just the big kid on the playground stealing lunch money. Bullying can be psychological, emotional and physical.
Church bullies have a special advantage, though. Most church people have been taught to be nice and kind, to refrain from stirring the pot or rocking the boat. Church bullies know that often people will not stand up to them, and that they can get away with just about anything.
Some of you may have seen my post from a few months ago, 12 Reasons Why Being a Male Pastor is Better. In that post, I linked a Louis C.K. clip where he talked about White people. He said white people are not better, but being white is clearly better. (Warning, this video contains offensive language).
Church bullying is the same. Church bullies are not good, but being a church bully is good business these days, and here’s why:
1. Being a bully is the easiest way to get what you want. Churches are groups where people usually have to work together, and work out how to live as a community. That means give and take, compromise and collaboration. Bullying, however, means you can get anything and everything you want. You can bend people to your wills and desires without giving anything up in return. And as a bully, you don’t have to work with, consider or respect others. Bullying is the easiest way to get what you want.
2. Bullies can offer anonymous feedback. Churches are already pretty good at not requiring people to stand behind what they say. We send out surveys and feedback tools that remain anonymous. But bullies have it really great. They can send anonymous emails to leaders. They can give in-person feedback with the qualifier, “people are saying.” Bullies never have to own the criticisms, and so are free to criticize anything they want to.
3. Bullies often have gossip clubs. Bullies are often supported in a small group that likes to keep up on the latest church gossip. This kind of group can meet for coffee during the week or lunch on Sundays or any number of places. As a bully, you can find allies who are ready to support you, who will offer behind-the-scenes support to your behind-the-scenes bullying. It is always easier to bully when you can be confident you are supported by, or acting on behalf of a club.
4. People will worry that challenging bullies is unkind or unchristian. The vast majority of church members worry that their behaviour could be perceived as unkind or unchristian. You know, Jesus never stood up to anyone and never challenged bad behaviour. So as a bully you know most of the time you can be confident that other church members won’t stand up to you, lest they be thought of as creating conflict or being un-Christ like.
5. You can use your anxiety against others. Human beings don’t like anxiety, we don’t want to be worried or fearful if we can avoid it. Anxiety and fear are contagious. Use this your advantage. As a bully, if you can get others to take on your worries, your fears, your issues, your anxiety, most people (especially church people) will do almost anything to relieve you (and therefore themselves) of your fears. Use this to your advantage.
6. You can use the other’s anxiety against them. As human beings we have often been taught that we have two responses to anxiety – Fight or Flight. Bullies know that this isn’t true. There are 3 – Fight, Flight or Freeze. The best bullies know that freeze is the most common response. If you can make others anxious, you know that their first response will be to do nothing. It is pretty easy to bully people when they don’t do anything or say anything to stop you. Make them anxious.
7. You don’t have to be open or transparent. Bullies know this tactic well. It is much easier to bully from the shadows than in the open. Write anonymous letters and emails that you can deny came from you. Ambush your victims when others aren’t around to catch you. Make life miserable for people in private, and be an angel in the open. Most people won’t even know that you are a bully. Hide in plain sight.
8. You can play the victim card when caught. So what do you do when someone actually calls you on your bullying? Why accuse them of being the bully, of course! Most people will get so worried that they are bullying you that they will forget all about the fact that you were bullying them first. You never want to defend your own actions, so make other people defend theirs – play the victim card.
9. The stakes are low for you but high for others. One of the great things about being a church bully is that the stakes are pretty low. What could happen to you? Churches will rarely kick you off the membership list. Pastors have jobs to keep, leaders have to tend to running the place. As a bully the worst that could happen is people get annoyed with you, but really that’s good for you (see point 6).
10. You don’t have to change. Change is hard. Growing up and being mature is really hard. Bullying means you can stay the same. You don’t have to accept new ideas or learn new things. You can just impose your will on others, make them do what you like, and complain if they don’t. Don’t change, be a bully instead.
11. The congregational system (read: family system) will often work to keep you in power. Great church bullies know that individuals might challenge them, but the system will work to maintain the status quo. Bullies don’t change, and therefore don’t challenge the system. Intelligent individuals will cease thinking straight in a group and will seek to silence those who oppose bullies (and therefore advocate change in the system) since is it easier to maintain the norm. Feel confident that almost all of the group behaviour in a church is there to support your bullying.
12. You don’t have to care about anyone but yourself. This is the best part of being a bully of course. You can claim you are speaking for the wronged, the victimized, the silent majority or minority, but really it is all about you. That’s the whole reason you can bully in the first place, because your issues come first. Your needs, your wants, your feelings, your ideas. You are numero uno, and thinking about others only gets in the way of taking care of you. So put yourself first and you will be a great bully.
_________
All snark aside, bullying is a major issue in society, one that often seems to paralyze those in authority. Bullying happens because most bullies know to use our anxiety, our fears, and our emotions against us. Most of us would much rather just avoid conflict altogether, and it is much easier to give in to make the bullying stop than to challenge it.
Bullying in the church makes me crazy. I have zero tolerance for it, but I have watched as colleagues and friends deal with church systems / family systems where bullies are protected. Upsetting the bully would cause so much stress on the church, that their behaviour is permitted, condoned even.
EDIT: Some commenters here and on Facebook have mentioned that Pastors can be bullies too. I want to be clear that anyone can be a church bully. Regular members, pastors, bishops, leaders, etc…
It is time for the bullying to end. But it won’t be easy. Standing up to bullies means recognizing our own anxieties and need to be liked. Standing up means risking being unpopular, it means risking the wrath of the system that protects the bullies. Standing up means knowing all the advantages that bullies have to lose (see the list above), and not underestimating how far bullies will go to retain their power and privilege. Standing up means that we all participate, even unknowingly support bullies, when our own anxieties about change prevent us from moving and growing into healthier ways of being.
Ending bullying means change. Change is hard. Sometimes it might land you on a cross.
But God knows something about that… in fact, change is one of God’s favourite tools to work with – crosses are God’s speciality.
Are church bullies the worst? Been bullied at church? Share in the comments, on Facebook or on Twitter: @ParkerErik
The Millennial Pastor 
Dear Eric:
I want to let you and your readers know about the publication of Bullying in the Churches, by Wipf and Stock. In it I make a brief reference to your blog, the “Twelve Reasons Why It Is Good to Be a Church Bully” conversation.
I seek to follow Jesus’ way of responding to bullying. The gospels picture him defending people against bullying. And yet, the church lags behind in taking this as a serious ethical problem.
One can search for an author on the publisher website by going to wipfandstock.com/catalogsearch. They have a “web price” of $11.20.
Sincerely,
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Why join their club? Use two good feet to walk away. Leave the bully exasperated by your no show performance. Attending Church continues to be a voluntary and protected Sunday morning exercise under the First Amendment to the Constitution.
If you do this, Bully for you!
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Reblogged this on A Flowering Progressive.
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Our church’s bully is a woman who’s been quite possibly been attending that church since before our minister (who has one daughter in college and one in high school) was born. She’s retired and has managed to integrate herself into a lot of the volunteer aspects of the church so she’s knows how everything’s supposed to be done and sure isn’t shy about telling people. I try to stay out of her way, there’s no benefit to a shy, introverted woman in her twenties going up against a long time member in good standing. I’d probably get asked to leave before she would.
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That is the unfortunate reality. It is easier to keep the bully happy and lose good members, than finally confront the issue.
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Your points were right on target. Bullies do exist in churches, and congregations excuse bullies especially if they have a powerful position My church has a high threshold for abuse and bullying. And because of this high threshold, the church called a narcissist. And this pastor developed relationships with the bullies and others while emotionally abusing others. It hurt the church irreparably. The pastor left too but not in time, 20-40% of people have left. And the church leadership voted to give the pastor one more chance to hurt people if he was still employed. Many called the reporters of the harm–un-Christian.
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Please forgive the anonymous post, I can’t comment with my real name because of a recent experience I have had in which I as a pastor have been bullied for years by a senior pastor. It came to a head when I stood up to one particular incident, until the wider denominational leadership got involved and I wound up with the blame. The bullying pastor is ‘well respected’ so when he counter accused me his word was better than mine. Have seriously considered leaving church leadership.
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Yep! Spot on!
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People call St. Simon and Jude in Huntington Beach, CA “St. Simon and RUDE” because they say the pastor is a bully (and other names that are even worse). He is Franciscan priest Fr. Daniel Barica.
In the church bulletin, he also wrote about his “sexual energy” and anointing his body parts with holy oil after a shower! It makes people wonder if he is another predator that wants little boys.
http://theworthyadversary.com/3767-what-do-you-do-when-the-bishop-wont-listen-you-go-to-yelp
http://theworthyadversary.com/3704-ssj-grooming
http://roomwithapew.weebly.com/blog/problem-priests-the-next-powder-keg-on-the-church-stove
http://www.independent.com/news/2006/oct/04/barneys-on-the-beat-4/
Predatory grooming…creepy! There is even more about him on the internet. In the abundance of caution, you would think the bishop should suspend him while doing an investigation.
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I forgot to say, at St. Simon and Jude, Daniel Barica will not let you have your wedding or funeral there unless you have been a regular, ongoing donor. I think this is an extreme form of bullying called blackmail. Oh yeah, and a father cannot walk his daughter down the aisle. Most people get married elsewhere.
Bullying seems to happen in the Catholic Church far too often, maybe because priests like the power they have over people who confess their sins to them. These are deep secrets that a priest can use against people, even if it is subtle. Maybe it is the power he has to collect money. The more he collects the better he looks to the bishop. I think that is how they get promoted. Shouldn’t the church really be about saving souls?
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I have been bullied for a long time and it is very difficult to know what to do about it except to resign. I am a female priest and those who have set themselves against me are all women, a group of 5-6 and I don’t think this is an unknown phenomenon. They feed each other with anxiety and blame me for it. Social standing of some and the desire to to keep in with them is the destructive adhesive that holds them together. I have tried speaking to those who should be able to help and support me but to no avail, even when it has been at its most venomous, and that kind of response makes it worse, so much worse.
I have learned more about the experience of Christ through it. I know he has been where I am. I know he was so good at confronting, but I am not. I so want them to be brought to account and for them to acknowledge the truth of their behaviour. An apology really meant would be wonderful and I could tell them I forgive them and really mean it too. That did not happen to Jesus and I doubt it will happen for me -I long for the bullying to stop – but he was still able to forgive and truly mean it. I am not there yet because there is always the next thing and I have grown tired.
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Ruth, I sympathize with your pain, and I know what you mean about being exhausted by the bullying. It is wonderful that you are focused on doing the right things (forgiving and really meaning it, but also preparing to resign from the position).
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I just saw this link. It talks about Franciscan Pastor Daniel Barica, OFM at Sts. Simon and Jude in Huntington Beach took money from the collection, wrote about his “sexual energy” in the bulletin, had a woman spend the weekend with him, and how a lot of kids have been leaving the school. Those families must be so upset.
http://theworthyadversary.com/4144-spotlight-wins-scandal-continues
This is especially concerning because it shows that the Franciscans have known about him back to when he was first assigned to a parish in Los Angeles:
Mens Club member says:
July 7, 2016 at 9:19 pm
I was afraid to speak up earlier about this. In February a group of us from SSJ went to the annual mens retreat in Malibu. This time the former Provincial Fr. Mel Jurisich was there. During a meeting behind closed doors he said he was the one who decided to send Fr. Daniel to SSJ to “straighten him out”. This shocked me because that means the Franciscans know he has a problem.
There were a lot of complaints when Fr. Daniel was at St. Francis Parish in LA. When too many people stopped donating Mel said he was transferred to Santa Barbara to keep an eye on him. Then after those parishioners got upset Mel decided to transfer him to SSJ. Mel even said Fr. Daniel owes him one. I guess giving him a promotion after he upset all those people would be a very special favor. This makes me think there is something more to their relationship.
It is not surprising to find out lots of students left the school seeing how many don’t come to church anymore. I talked to one of them who said its because of how mad Fr. Daniel and the principle are all the time. Some were getting detentions every week but they did not care. And this student told me most of the ones that are staying say they don’t ever want to come back to SSJ after they graduate. That must be why the average age of this congregation is rising so fast. Cantor Patrick and others quit. Mark and Maurice should tell you the real reason.
Moving Fr. Daniel around is like how they moved problem priests from church to church. Many in our group are not donating now. I don’t know how many more people need to stop donating before they finally do something but I think that day is coming.
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We’ve got to do something about the babies that cry
It’s just an awful situation, and we don’t know why
When parents bring their children to worship
Is it so they can talk, cry, and burp up?
If this situation is not addressed or made perfectly clear
We might just find ourselves at the parish a few miles east of here!
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That is the unfortunate reality. It is easier to keep the bully happy and lose good members, than finally confront the issue.
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You are right Dmitry…There are 10 St. Simon and Jude seventh graders that are not coming back in the fall to graduate with the rest of their classmates. That is almost 1/3 of the class! SSJ has a bunch more kids from other classes leaving too. If that does not tell you something is wrong I don’t know what will. Those families will not be paying over $7,000 each to the school so Daniel Barica is now costing SSJ six figures in lost income.
A long time ago I posted my displeasure on Yelp with a bunch of other people:
http://www.yelp.com/not_recommended_reviews/saints-simon-and-jude-catholic-church-huntington-beach
At first my post was “recommended”, then later got dropped to “non-recommended”. I think someone at the church complained. Look at the very bottom and see all the other posts that got removed. People should be able to state their feelings and be included in the church’s rating. But then the Catholic Church is used to burying problems. No wonder priests got away with child abuse. I googled the boss of the Franciscans and came up with Father David Gaa (314)353-3421. I read somewhere in this that if you want to complain but are afraid to be identified to ask for the confession privilege.
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Reblogged this on thetdarrisblog and commented:
Another anti-church bullying article shedding light on the sad reality (and security) of church bullies and their supporters.
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I’m one of the elders of the church now our pastor an his wife they take all the thieves an offering with them when I approach them the starting to try to make me bad person.
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As someone who has been bullied by my rector, Bob Malm of Grace Episcopal Church in Alexandria, VA, I can tell you this: Diocesan and other structures would much prefer to brush you off, versus dealing with bullying clergy.
For those so inclined, please visit my blog at graceepiscopalsurvivors.com and spread word. I am grateful for your support as I stand up to Bob’s bullying of me and my family.
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My priest, Bob Malm of Grace Episcopal Church in Alexandria VA, is bullying me and my family and attempting to force us out of the parish after we complained about questionable HR, governance, cash management, and financial reporting in the parish.
In retaliation for our complaint, Bob instructed staff and clergy to remove our names from the parish directory, to interfere with our ability to participate in the life of the parish, and to misuse funds we gave to the church. Shockingly enough, church staff and clergy had no qualms about following Bob’s orders.
Still worse, the Episcopal Diocese of Virginia has said in writing that it has no issue with Bob’s actions.
So bullying is alive and well in the Episcopal Church, and at least tacitly approved behavior on the part of clergy.
Learn more about my experiences at http://www.graceepiscopalsurvivors.com
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Here is another link about Fr. Daniel Barica, the pastor at Sts. Simon and Jude in Huntington Beach, CA. Looks like more than bullying going on.
http://theworthyadversary.com/4415-coughlin-docs
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Church bullies is one of the reasons I left the church and refused to return.
I thank G0D, because I found a new path among the many that go to HIM. And I just think Christianity is just one path, which may not be for everyone.
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Old article but very accurate. My wife and I just left a fellowship where the bully was praised by the pastor. The guy was awful to people, had a trail of destruction behind him, and was an elder! I caught him spreading false doctrine and plagiarizing a sermon (the one time he was allowed to teach). He would get in peoples face because God called him to ‘provoke people’. He wore it like a badge. It fell on deaf ears trying to point it out to the pastor. Hopefully God will give the pastor discernment before more damage is done, but I think his willing blindness will lead him into problems down the road. I have no tolerance for bullies messing with God’s people.
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It’s hard to come across a bully and their enabler. It’s even worse when they are in leadership. They disgust me.
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